電子情書   You've  Got  Mail

  ( 劇本將陸續譯成中文 )

MORNING - KATHLEEN KELLY'S APARTMENT

FRANK NAVASKY  Amazing, this is amazing.

FRANK (cont'd)Listen to this. The entire work force of the 

state of Virginia had to have solitaire removed from their

computers because they hadn't done any work in six weeks.

KATHLEEN KELLY  That's so sad.

FRANK  Do you know what this is?

KATHLEEN  No. 

FRANK  What we're seeing? It's the end of Western civilization

as we know it.

KATHLEEN  Oh. Hey, aren't you late?

FRANK  Technology. Name me one thing, one, that we've gained 

from technology.

KATHLEEN  Electricity.

FRANK  That's one. You think this machine's your friend, but 

it's not. I'm outta here.

KATHLEEN  See you tonight.

FRANK  Sushi!

KATHLEEN  Sushi! Bye.

MORNING - KATHLEEN'S COMPUTER

COMPUTER  Welcome! 

KATHLEEN & COMPUTER  You've got mail.

KATHLEEN  Brinkley is my dog. He loves the streets of New York 

as much as I do.

MORNING - JOE FOX'S APARTMENT

JOE FOX (V.O.)  Although he likes to eat bits of pizza and 

bagels off the sidewalk, and I prefer buy them. Brinkley is 

a great catcher and was offered a tryout on the Met's farm 

team, but he chose to stay with me so that he could spend 18 

hours a day sleeping on a large green pillow the size of an 

innertube. Don't you love New York in the fall? Makes me 

wanna buy school supplies.

PATRICIA EDEN  Sweetie?

JOE  Yo!

PATRICIA  I'm almost ready! Will you turn it on?

JOE (V.O.) cont'd  I would send you a bouqet of newly sharpened

pencils if knew your name and address.

PATRICIA  Honey! I need a double today!

JOE (V.O.) cont'd  On the other hand, this not knowing has its

charms.

PATRICIA  Did you push it?

JOE  Yeah! Yes, I pushed it. 

PATRICIA  I'm late! Random House fired Dick Atkins. Good riddance. 

Murray Chilton died, which makes one less person I'm not speaking

to. Hurry, hurry, hurry! Oh!

PATRICIA (cont'd)  Vince got a great review. He'll be insufferable.

Ah, tonight, pen dinner.

JOE  Am I going?

PATRICIA  Joe Fox, you promised.

JOE  It's black tie.

PATRICIA  Ooh, ooh!

JOE  Can't I just give money instead?

JOE (cont'd)And what is it this week? Free Albanian 

writers? Because I'm in favor for that.

PATRICIA  Ooh, ooh, ooh! Oooooh!

JOE  Ok, I'll go. I'll go. You're late.

PATRICIA  I know.

MORNING - JOE'S COMPUTER

JOE  Who's that? Who's a happy dog? Who's a happy dog?

COMPUTER & JOE  Welcome! You've got mail!

JOE  All right. Ok, ok. Get down. Get down.

KATHLEEN (V.O.)  Dear friend, I like to start my notes to you 

as if we're already in a middle of a conversation. I pretend 

that we are the oldest and dearest friends, as opposed to what 

we actually arePeople who don't know each other's names and met

in a chatroom where we both claimed we'd never been before. 

MORNING - STREETS OF UPPER WEST SIDE NEW YORK

KATHLEEN  What will NY152 say today, I wonder? I turn on my 

computer. I wait impatiently as it connects. I go online and my 

breath catches in my chest until I hear three little words, 

you've got mail. I hear nothing. Not even a sound on the streets

of New York. Just the beat of my own heart. I have mail... from

you. 

MORNING - CONSTRUCTION SITE OF FOX BOOKS

KEVIN  The electrical contractor called today. His truck hit a 

deer last night, so he's not gonna be here till tomorrow. The 

upstairs shelves are late, because the shipment of pine we 

ordered has beetles.

JOE  Very good. Very good.

KEVIN  And we got a $50,000 dollar ticket for construction 

workers peeing off the roof.

JOE  Great. That is great. Is the electrician here today? 

KEVIN  See, I just told you he hit a deer, man. I knew you 

weren't listening to me.

JOE  You're right. I wasn't. I hear nothing. Nothing. Not a 

sound on the city streets, just the beat of my own heart. I 

think that's how it goes, something like that.

KEVIN  You and Patricia got engaged, didn't you? You can tell

me.

JOE  Engaged?

KEVIN  Come on.

JOE  Are you crazy?!

KEVIN  What? I thought you liked Patricia.

JOE  I do! I do. I love Patricia. I *love* Patricia. Patricia 

is... Patricia's amazing. Patricia makes coffee nervous. Hey, 

you know what? We should announce ourselves to the neighborhood.

Let them know. Here we come.

KEVIN  Well, no, this is the upper west side, man. We might as 

well be telling them we're opening up a crack house. They're 

gonna hate us. Soon as they hear, they're gonna be lining up 

to...

JOE AND KEVIN  Picket the big bad chain store.

KEVIN  That's out there to destroy...

JOE  Everything they hold dear.

KEVIN  Yeah.

JOE  You know? We're gonna seduce them. We're gonna seduce them 

with our square footage, and our discounts, and our deep arm 

chairs, and...

JOE AND KEVIN  Our cappacino.

JOE  That's right. They're gonna hate us in the beginning, 

but...

JOE AND KEVIN  We'll get 'em in the end.

JOE  And you know why?

KEVIN  Why?

JOE  'Cause we're gonna sell them cheap books and legal 

addictive stimulants. In the mean time, we'll just put up a 

big sign coming soon, a Fox Books superstore and the end of 

civilization as you know it.

MORNING - THE SHOP AROUND THE CORNER

KATHLEEN  Good morning, Christina.

CHRISTINA  Goood morning, Kathleen.

KATHLEEN  It's a beautiful day. Isn't it just the most beautiful

day?

CHRISTINA  Yes, yeah, sure.

MAN #1  Idiot! What are you doing?

MAN #2  Watch where you're going, man! I got the green light.

KATHLEEN  Don't you just love New York in the fall? Perfect. Mm, 

can't beat that!

CHRISTINA  Scotch tape? *What* is going on with you?

KATHLEEN  Nothing!

CHRISTINA  You're in love.

KATHLEEN  No, no. Oh, yes, that's right! I'm in love with Frank.

I'm practically living with Frank. Hm, well. Uh, do you think 

you can the Christmas mailers out this week?

CHRISTINA  Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. By Monday, I promise. I just--

I have this paper due on Friday. What is going on?

KATHLEEN  Nothing. Nothing. Nothing at all.

CHRISTINA  You know what? I am just going to stand here 

until you tell me.

KATHLEEN  All right. Is it infidelity if you're involved with 

someone on e-mail?

CHRISTINA  Have you had sex?

KATHLEEN  No! Ofcourse not. I don't even know him.

CHRISTINA  No, I mean cybersex.

KATHLEEN  No.

CHRISTINA  Oh, well, don't do it. Because the minute you do it, 

they lose all respect for you.

KATHLEEN  Oh, well, it's not like that.We just e-mail. It's 

really nothing... On top of which I am definitely thinking 

about stopping because it's just getting--

CHRISTINA  Outta hand?

KATHLEEN  Confusing. But it's not-- Because it's nothing.

CHRISTINA  Where'd you meet him?

KATHLEEN  Ah, listen, I can't even remember... Ok, on my 

birthday, I wandered into the "Over 30" room as a joke, sort 

of. And uh, he was there, and we started chatting.

CHRISTINA  About what?

KATHLEEN  Oh, books and music. How much we both love New York. 

Harmless, harmless, meaningless stuff... Bouquets of sharpened 

pencils. Oh!

CHRISTINA  Excuse me?

KATHLEEN  Forget it. We don't talk about anything personal, 

so I don't know his name, what he does, or where he lives 

exactly. So, it'll be really easy for me to stop seeing him, 

because.. I'm not.

CHRISTINA  I mean, God! He could be the next person to walk 

into this store!

KATHLEEN  I know!

CHRISTINA  He could be... George.

KATHLEEN  Uhh...

GEORGE PAPPAS

Morning.

CHRISTINA  Are you on line?

GEORGE  Well, as far as I'm concerned, the Internet is just 

another way of being rejected by a woman.

BIRDIE  Good morning!

KATHLEEN  Good morning, Birdie! Later... shhh!

BIRDIE  What are you two girls whispering about?

CHRISTINA  Cybersex.

BIRDIE  I tried to have cybersex once, but I kept getting the

busy signal.

CHRISTINA I know, I know. I was really depressed one Saturday 

night about 9 in the evening.

BIRDIE  Time to open up!

KATHLEEN  Jessica and Maya, how are you today?

MOTHER  Wanna say hi to Kathleen?

GIRL  Hi.

GEORGE  Hi, The Shop Around The Corner. George speaking. How 

may I help you?

DAY - FOX BOOKS OFFICE

JOE  Construction's going well. We should open on time. 

Althought Kevin and I are both a little concerned about the 

neighborhood response. Hey, this-- This fabric on the couch. 

What is it? Does it have a name?

SHUYLER FOX  Money.

JOE  Huh?

SHUYLER  Its name is Money.

JOE  Oh, *Gillian* selected it.

NELSON FOX  Good guess.

SHUYLER  You're father's getting married again.

JOE  Really?

NELSON  Yep.

JOE  Congratulations.

NELSON  Thank you.

JOE  Why?

NELSON  Who knows?

JOE  Love?

NELSON  Possible.

SHUYLER  I think you're a damn fool.

NELSON  Pop, Matthew is 4 years old. It would be nice if he

knew his parents were married.

JOE  Listen, I, uh, I have a sad announcement to make. Uh, City 

Books, on 23rd street? It's going under.

JOE & SHUYLER immitate guns going off.

NELSON  Aw, another independent bites the dust.

SHUYLER  On to the next!

JOE  We're gonna buy out their entire inventory of the 

architecture and New York history for the new store.

NELSON  *sighs* How much, son? How much are you paying?

JOE  Well, whatever it is costs, it won't be as much as that 

exquisitly uncomfortable mohair episode there... which is 

now all over my suit.

NELSON  Here ya go. 

JOE  Thanks. We're also gonna have a section dedicated just 

to writers who've lived on the west side.

SHUYLER  As a sop to the neighborhood.

NELSON  Perfect. To keep those west side liberal nuts, pseudo- 

intellectuals, bleeding hearts...

JOE  Readers, dad, they're called readers.

NELSON  Don't do that, son. Don't romanticize them. It'll keep 

them from jumping down your throat.

SHUYLER  Well, what's the competition?

JOE  One mystery store. Sleuth, 78th and Amsterdam and a 

children's bookstore. Shop Around The Corner. It's been there 

forever.

SHUYLER  Cecilia's store.

JOE  Who's that?

SHUYLER  Cecilia Kelly. Lovely woman. I think we might've had 

a date once or exchanged letters.

JOE  You wrote her letters?

SHUYLER  Well, mail. It was called mail.

NELSON  Stamps, envelopes.

JOE  Y'know, I've heard of it.

SHUYLER  Oh, Cecilia had beautiful penmanship. But she was too 

young, for me, but she was... enchanting.

JOE  Enchanting?

SHUYLER  Her daughter owns it now.

NELSON  Huh, too bad for her.

Knock on door.

NELSON  Ah.

MAN  Excuse me, Mr. Fox.

NELSON  Yeah, come on.

JOE (V.O) My father is getting married again. For 5 years, 

he's been living with a woman named Gillian who studied 

decorating in Caesor's Palace.

NELSON looks at the artifact and sighs.

NELSON  Rubber.

DAY - KATHLEEN'S COMPUTER

KATHLEEN (V.O.)  Once I read a book about a butterfly on a 

subway, and today, I saw one. It got on at 42nd, and got off 

at 59th where I assumed it was going to Bloomingdale's to buy 

a hat that will turn out to be a mistake as almost all hats are.

EVENING - JOE ON BED WITH COMPUTER

JOE (V.O.)  Listen to thisEvery night a truck pulls up to my 

neighborhood bagel place and pumps about a ton of flour into 

underground tanks. And in the air is filled with white dust 

which never seems to land. Why is that?

DAY - JOE READING PRIDE AND PREJUDICE

KATHLEEN (V.O)  Confession.  I have read Pride and Prejudice

over *200* times. I get lost in the language. Words like, 

"thither", "mischance", and "felicity". I'm always in agony 

over whether Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy are really ever going 

to get together. Ah, read it, I know you'll love it.

MORNING - STARBUCKS

JOE (V.O.)  The whole purpose of places like Starbucks is 

for people with no decision-making abilities whatsoever to 

make 6 decisions just to buy one cup of coffee. Short, tall; 

light, dark; caf, decaf; low-fat, non-fat; etc.

KATHLEEN  Tall, skim, caramel, machiato.

MAN #1  Mocha, frappacino, grande.

JOE (V.O.) cont'd

So people who don't know what the hell they're doing or who 

the hell they are, can for only $2.95 get not only a cup of 

coffee, but an absolutely defining sense of self.

CLERK  Tall, skim, caramel, machiato.

JOE (V.O.) cont'd  Tall! Decaf! Cappacino!

MAN #2  Tall, decaf, cappacino.

MORNING - GEORGE SEES CONSTRUCTION SITE FOR FOX BOOKS

GEORGE  Bummer.

MORNING - ALL 3 STARING AT FOX BOOKS

GEORGE  A Fox Books superstore.

CHRISTINA  Quel nightmare. (procayl)

KATHLEEN  It has nothing to do with us. It's big, impersonal, 

and overstocked, and full of ignorant salespeople.

GEORGE  But they discount.

KATHLEEN  But they don't provide any service. We do!

LUNCH - KATHLEEN AND BIRDIE AT THE DELLI

KATHLEEN  So, really, it's a good development. You know how 

in the flower district there are all those flower shops in a 

row, so you can find what you want? Well, this is going to be 

the book district. If they don't have it, we do.

BIRDIE  And vice versa.

KATHLEEN  Absolutely!

EVENING - KATHLEEN'S APARTMENT

FRANK  When you are finished with Fox Books, The Shop ARound 

the Corner is going to be responsible for reversing the the 

entire course of the industrial revolution.

KATHLEEN  Well, now, that is so sweet, Frank. Thank you, that 

is so sweet. Although I--

KATHLEEN sees the typewriter.

FRANK  What?

KATHLEEN  Wait a minute, what is that doing here?

FRANK  Oh, oh, my gosh. This is amazing. Listen.

Clicks on keys.

FRANK (cont'd)  The Olympia Report Deluxe Electric. Report...

as in gun shot.

KATHLEEN  That sound is, uh, familiar.

FRANK  Listen to this. Listen to this.

KATHLEEN  What? That whirring?

FRANK  The gentle soothing lullaby of a piece of machinary so 

perfect.

KATHLEEN  I know where I've heard that before, Frank.

KATHLEEN lifts the cover of the other typewriter.

FRANK  I needed a back up.

KATHLEEN  Don't you have another one of these at your apartment?

FRANK  I might, I might.

KATHLEEN (cont'd)  That you wrote a column about?

FRANK  Yes, who cares? What were you gonna say?

KATHLEEN  When?

FRANK  Before.

KATHLEEN  Oh, nothing.

FRANK  C'mon.

KATHLEEN  Well, I'm just wondering, I'm wondering about my 

work. And I'm just-- I mean, what is that I do exactly? All 

I really do is run a children's bookstore.

FRANK  All you really do is this incredibly noble thing.

KATHLEEN  Well, I don't know. I'm just--

FRANK  Kathleen! You--

KATHLEEN  I'm just--

FRANK  Are a lone reed. You are a lone reed... Standing tall... 

Waving boldly... In the corrupt sands of commerce.

KATHLEEN  I am a lone reed.

FRANK  Lone reed.

KATHLEEN  I am a lone reed...

NIGHT - KATHLEEN'S COMPUTER

KATHLEEN (V.O.)  Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small

life-- Well, small, but valuable. And sometimes I wonder do I do 

it because I like it? Or because I haven't been brave? So much 

of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when 

shouldn't it be the other way around? I don't really want an 

answer. I just wanna send this cosmic question out into the void. 

So, good night, dear void.

DAY - JOE'S BOAT

ANNABELLE FOX  Hey Joe!

MATT FOX  Hello, Joe!

JOE  Hey! I know you! Ha ha ha! I know you! Hello, Annabelle, 

little girl. How are you? Hey. And you, Matthew, how are you?

MATT  Good.

JOE  Good. Are you ready to say hello to New Jersey?

JOE & ANNABELLE & MATT  Hello, New Jersey!

GILLIAN  Don't I get a hello?

JOE  Hello, Gillian.

GILLIAN  Kiss me, I'm going to be your wicked stepmother.

JOE  There you go. Hello, and who is this.

GILLIAN  Nanny Maureen. I bought her in case you couldn't 

handle the kids.

ANNABELLE  Maureen's getting a divorce.

JOE  Oh, well, I'm sorry to hear that.

MAUREEN  It's my own fault. Never marry a man who lies.

JOE  That is so wise. Yes, Annabelle, remember that.

ANNABELLE  She taught Matt how to spell his name.

JOE  Oh really? Let's hear it.

MATT  F-O-X.

JOE  Excellent, excellent. Y'know, I've got this covered. You 

can have the day off, and I'm sure you must be late for 

something. Volunteering at the Henry Street Settlement or 

rolling bandages for the Bosnian refugees.

GILLIAN  I am. I'm having my eggs harvested.

JOE  And getting those eggs harvested. Don't worry about a 

thing. See you later!

ANNABELLE  Bye, Maureen. Bye, Gillian.

MATT  Bye, Mom.

JOE  All right, you guys. Are you ready to go out on the boat?

ANNABELLE & MATT  No!

JOE  What happened to you? What happened?

DAY - FALL FESTIVAL ON THE STREETS OF NEW YORK

JOE  Heyyyyyyyyy! What do we win?

JOE juggling.

JOE  Look, look, look, look, look, look!

MATT hitting the mallet game (whatever it is).

JOE  Aw... Oh! Yes!

ANNABELLE  Yay!

DAY - WALKING TOWARDS THE SHOP AROUND THE CORNER

ANNABELLE  How are the fish doing?

JOE  The fish are doing very well. I think they're very happy.

ANNABELLE  Are they?

JOE  Yes. Hey, you guys wanna go to a movie? How 'bout a movie?

ANNABELLE  No, there's nothing good playing. Oh, look, it's 

Storybook Lady!

JOE  Oh, well, are we at the right time? Yeah, yeah, let's go!

DAY - THE SHOP AROUND THE CORNER

KATHLEEN  And it was, and I alone who had the idea of the great

and daring mouse plot. We all have our moments or brilliance 

and glory and this was mine. "Why don't we," I said, "slip it 

into one of Mrs. Pratchett's jars of sweets and then when she 

puts her dirty hand in to grab a handful, she will grab a 

stinky, dead mouse instead." The other 4 stared at me in wonder. 

Then, as the sheer genious of the plan began to sink in, they 

all started grinning at me. They slapped me on the back, they 

cheered me, and they danced around the classroom. "We will do 

it today," they cried, "We'll do it on our way home." "You had 

the idea," they said to me, "So you can be the one who puts the 

dead mouse in the jar.

GEORGE  Uh, who belongs to this fish?

JOE  Oh, that's mine. Could you give me a hand with these used 

books?

KATHLEEN  And this is her best friend, Tacy, whose real name is 

Anastasia. And in the next book, Tacy becomes friends with Tib, 

whose real name, I'm sorry to tell you, is Thelma.

ANNABELLE  Ooh!

KATHLEEN  Oh, you might like this one, too.

GEORGE  The, uh, illustrations are hand-tipped.

JOE  And that's why it costs so much?

GEORGE  No, that's why it's so *worth* so much.

ANNABELLE  I want *all* of them.

JOE  Uh, I'll think about it.

KATHLEEN  I think that's an awful lot for your dad to buy at one 

time.

ANNABELLE  Oh, my dad gets me all the books I want.

KATHLEEN  Well, that's very nice of him.

ANNABELLE  Oh, that's not my dad, that's my *nephew*.

KATHLEEN  You know, I dont' really think that *he* could be 

*your* nephew.

JOE  No, no, no. It's true. Annabelle... is my aunt. Isn't that 

right, Aunt Annabelle?

ANNABELLE  Uh huh! And Matt is his--

KATHLEEN  Oh, wait, wait, wait. Let me guess. Are you his... 

uncle?

MATT  No...

KATHLEEN  His grandfather?

MATT  No!

KATHLEEN  His great-grandfather?

MATT  I'm his brother!

JOE  Matt is my father's son. Annabelle is my grandfather's 

daughter. We are... an American family.

ANNABELLE  Ah-choo!

KATHLEEN  Oh, here you go, young lady.

ANNABELLE  What's that?

KATHLEEN  It's a handkercheif. Oh my, do children not even 

know what a handkerchiefs are? A handkercheif is a kleenex 

that you don't throw away. See? My mother enbroidered this 

for me. My initials and a daisy. Because daisies are my favorite 

flower.

JOE  May I ask who you are?

KATHLEEN  Kathleen Kelly. I own this store, and you are?

JOE  Joe. Just call me Joe. We'll take these books.

GEORGE  Ok. You're gonna come back, aren't you?

JOE  Um, pff, yeah. Of course!

GEORGE  See? That is why we are not gonna go under. Our customers 

are loyal.

KATHLEEN  They're opening up a Fox Books store around the corner.

ANNABELLE  Fox Books?! My daddy--

JOE  Likes to buy discount, but don't tell anybody that. There's 

nothing to be proud of.

MATT  F-O-X.

KATHLEEN  That is amazing! You can spell "fox"? Can you spell 

"dog"?

MATT  F-O-X.

JOE  Look at this dinosaur book. It's a pop-up dinosaur book. 

Wouldn't you like to have a dinosaur book like this? Wouldn't 

you like to read that? Here, Annabelle, you sit here and 

read Matt the book while I take care of things. Whatever 

you do, just don't listen to anything I'm saying, ok? 

Thank you.

ANNABELLE  Ok.

JOE  We'll take that pop-up book as well. The dinosaur book.

KATHLEEN  You know, the world is not driven by discounts. 

Believe me, I have been in business forever. I mean, I started 

helping my mother since I was 6 years old and I used to watch 

her. And it wasn't that she was just selling books. She was 

helping people become whoever it is they were going to turn out 

to be. When you read a book as a child, it becomes part of 

your identity no other reading in your whole life does, and 

I... have gotten carried away.

JOE  Yeah... Yeah, you have. You've made me feel... Enchanting. 

You're mother was enchanting.

KATHLEEN  Yes, she was.

GEORGE  Uh, how will you be paying for this?

JOE  Cash.

KATHLEEN  Well, how did you know that?

JOE  Well, from the photograph right there.

KATHLEEN  Oh.

JOE  Is that you in the photograph? What are you doing?

KATHLEEN  Twirling. My mother and I used to twirl. Anyway, she 

left the store to me and I'm gonna leave it to my daughter.

GEORGE  Uh, $73 dollars, please.

JOE  How much?

GEORGE  Uh, $73.

JOE  Ooh... How old is your daughter now?

KATHLEEN  Well, I don't have a daughter-- Oh, no, I'm not 

married, but, eventually, so, yeah, the big bad Fox Books can 

just go to--

JOE  Huh.

KATHLEEN  There you go.

JOE  Thank you. Hey, we ready?

ANNABELLE & MATT  Yeah.

JOE  Hmm... this is nice.

ANNABELLE  Good-bye, Kathleen.

KATHLEEN  Good-bye, Annabelle. Good-bye, Matt.

MATT  Bye.

KATHLEEN  Oh, oh, Matt. You know what? I have to ask you another 

thing. Can you spell "cat"?

MATT  F-O-X.

JOE  Ha ha ha... "F-O-X", cat. Thanks! Good thing it wasn't the 

fish! Take care!

KATHLEEN & GEORGE  Ha ha ha!

MORNING - FOX BOOKS GRAND OPENING

JOE  No protests. No demonstrations.

KEVIN  The neighborhood loves us.

NELSON  They're wondering where we've been all these years. 

They're wondering how they ever did without us.

SHUYLER  It's a hit!

NELSON  How's the children's department?

JOE  Well, it's early yet, school's not out, and there is that 

children's store nearby, Shop Around The Corner.

SHUYLER  Cecilia's store. Cecilia Kelly. I think we might've 

had a date once.

JOE  Her daughter owns it now.

NELSON  We'll crush it.

SHUYLER  She was enchanting.

NEAR DUSK - THE SHOP AROUND THE CORNER

BIRDIE  They've been open for 6 days and we did 12 hundred dollars 

less than the same week last year.

KATHLEEN  Well, that could be a fluke, right?

BIRDIE  Or not.

KATHLEEN  Listen, their store is new. It's a novelty. It will 

shake out; meanwhile, I'm putting on more twinkle lights.

BIRDIE  That's a fine idea.

CHRISTINA  Well, what if we have to fold? And I'm never gonna 

find another part-time job, and then I'm not gonna be able to 

pay my rent, and I'm gonna have to move... to *Brooklyn*.

GEORGE  Ah, the joy of rent control-- 6 rooms... 450 a month.

CHRISTINA  We know. You've told us a million times. You know, 

I can't believe you're bringing this up at a time like this. 

It's-- It's like those people who brag because they're tall.

GEORGE  Uh--

KATHLEEN  Guys, we are not gonna fold.

GEORGE  Hey, I-- This place is a tomb. I'm going to the nut shop 

where it's fun.

GEORGE leaves.

KATHLEEN  George? George?

MIRANDA MARGULIES looks in window.

KATHLEEN (cont'd)  Miranda! Hi, hi!

MIRANDA MARGULIES  Oh, Kathleen, are you surviving?

KATHLEEN  Well, we're so excited about your new book. When should 

we schedule a signing?

MIRANDA  Oh, it's being pubished in January. Are you going to be

in business in January? I'm so worried.

KATHLEEN  We're doing great, aren't we?

BIRDIE  No difference whatsoever!

CHRISTINA  Great...

MIRANDA  Oh, thank God! Well, you can count on me for anything. 

Support, rallies, picket lines. We can get the Times to write 

something. Or that *nut* from the Observer!

KATHLEEN  What-- What *nut* from the Observer?

MIRANDA  Frank something-or-other. Then one who's so in love 

with his typewriter. This is just the thing that would outrage 

him!

KATHLEEN  Oh...

EVENING - KATHLEEN AND FRANK WALKING TO PEN DINNER

FRANK  A nut?! She called me a nut?

KATHLEEN  That's not the point. She thinks my store is in trouble.

Now, why would she say that? There is enough business for 

us all.

FRANK  Yes, there is. No question.

EVENING - PEN DINNER

KATHLEEN  I mean, we are fine.

FRANK  You're more than fine. You're absolutely fine.

KATHLEEN  We are fine.

FRANK  Yes.

WOMAN  How are you?

FRANK & KATHLEEN look at each other.

FRANK & KATHLEEN  Fine.

FRANK  Fine.

WOMAN  Come in, Vince'll be so happy to see you.

FRANK  Vince, congratulations! Guess who I saw in the subway 

this morning?

KATHLEEN  Hi, Vince.

VINCE MARCINI  Hi, hi.

FRANK (cont'd)  William Spungeon.

VINCE  I don't think so.

FRANK  Don't-- Don't say, "I don't think so"..

JOE is standing behind PATRICIA while she talks up a storm.

PATRICIA  This is amazing. He said, "You should go to a retreat. 

You really should go to a retreat.

JOE sees KATHLEEN.

PATRICIA  Honey, will you get me another drink, sweetie? I'm 

all out. "Because it's a really great place to calm... down."

JOE walks over to bar.

PATRICIA (cont'd)  He said that to me, isn't that hilarious?

EVENING - PEN DINNER (BAR)

WOMAN  Excuse me.

MAN #1  Uh, champagne, please.

JOE  Stoli on the rocks, but in a fresh glass, please.

KATHLEEN walks over and stands by the MAN #1. JOE is on the 

other side.

KATHLEEN  White wine, please.

BARTENDER  Here ya go.

MAN #1  Thank you.

MAN #1 walks away.

KATHLEEN takes a closer look at JOE.

KATHLEEN  Oh... hello!

JOE  Hi!

KATHLEEN  Ha ha! Hi, hi!

JOE  Hi.

KATHLEEN  Do you remember me from the bookstore?

JOE  Of course I remember you, yes. Hi.

KATHLEEN  Hey, how's your aunt?

JOE  Hehe. She's great, thank you.

KATHLEEN  Sweet.

JOE  I'd better go deliver this.

KATHLEEN  Uh...

JOE (cont'd)  I have a very thirsty date. She's part camel.

KATHLEEN  Joe, right? Joe, isn't it?

JOE  And you are Kathleen.

KATHLEEN  Mm hmm.

JOE walks away leaving KATHLEEN a bit confused.

KATHLEEN takes her drink.

KATHLEEN  Kathleen Kelly.

MAN #2  Two white wines, please.

BARTENDER  Sure.

KATHLEEN walks back.

VINCE  I cannot believe that you were speaking to Joe Fox.

KATHLEEN  Joe Fox?

VINCE  Joe Fox.

KATHLEE  As in--

VINCE  As in, uh, he's gonna take over everything.

VINCE walks away.

EVENING - PEN DINNER (FOOD TABLE)

JOE is scooping up food.

KATHLEEN  Fox? Your last name is Fox?

JOE  F-O-X.

KATHLEEN  God, I didn't-- I didn't realize. I didn't-- I didn't 

know...

JOE  Who you were with?

JOE (deep voice) cont'd  I didn't know who you were with.

KATHLEEN  Excuse me?

JOE (normal voice)  It's from The Godfather. Sorry. It's from 

The Godfather. It's when-- When the, uh, movie producer realizes 

that Tom Hagen is an emissary of Vito Corleone, you know? It's 

just before the horse's head ends up in the bed with all the 

bloody sheets, y'know? Wakes up, and it's, Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! 

Ahh! Ahh! Ahh... Never mind.

KATHLEEN  You were spying on me, weren't you? Hmm? You probably 

rented those children.

JOE  Why would I spy on you?

KATHLEEN  Because I am your competition, which you know perfectly 

well, or you would not have put up that sign, "Just around 

the corner".

JOE  The entrance to our store is around the corner, and there 

is no other way or saying that. It's not the name of our 

store, it's where it is. And you do not own the phrase, 

"Around the corner!"

JOE scraping caviar from a plate.

KATHLEEN  What is that? What are you doing? You're taking all 

the caviar? That caviar is a garnish!

JOE scrapes up even more.

KATHLEEN gasps and scoops the caviar from JOE's plate back.

JOE  Look, the reason I came into your store was because I was 

spending the day with Annabelle and Matt and I was buying them 

presents. I'm the type of guy who likes to buy his way into 

the heart of children who are his relatives. There was only 

one place to find a children's book in the neighborhood, 

but hey, that will not always be the case, and it is a-- 

*Charming* little bookstore. You probably sell, what, 

$350, 000 worth of books in a year?

KATHLEEN  How did you know that?

JOE  I'm in the book business.

KATHLEEN shakes her head.

KATHLEEN  *I* am in the book business.

JOE  I see, and we are the price club, only instead of a 10 

gallon vat of olive oil for $3.99 that won't even fit under 

your kitchen cabinet, *we* sell cheap books. *Me*, a spy, 

oh absolutely. I have in my posession, the super-duper 

secret printout of the sales figure of a bookstore so 

inconsequential, yet full of its own virtue that I was 

immediately compelled to rushed over for fear that it's 

gonna put me out of business.

KATHLEEN is speechless and squeaks.

JOE looks up and down at her.

JOE  What? What?

FRANK walks over.

FRANK  Hey. How ya doing? Frank Navasky.

JOE  Joe Fox.

KATHLEEN grunts.

FRANK  Joe Fox?

JOE  F-O-X.

FRANK  The inventor of the superstore, ofcourse-- The enemy of 

the mid-list novel, the destroyer of City Books. Tell me 

something, really-- How do you sleep at night?

PATRICIA walkes over.

PATRICIA  Oh, I use a wonderful over-the-counter-drug-- Ultra 

Dorm. Don't take the whole thing, just half, and you'll wake up 

with the tiniest hang over. You're Frank Navasky, aren't you?

FRANK  Yes. Leaving--

PATRICIA  Your last piece-- in the Observer-- about Anthony Powell 

was-- was brilliant.

FRANK  Really?

PATRICIA  Brilliant, yes. I'm Patricia Eden.

FRANK  Hi.

PATRICIA  Hi, Eden books. Joe, this man is the greatest living 

expert of Julius and Ethel Rosenberg.

FRANK  You-- you really liked my--

JOE  This is Kathleen Kelly.

PATRICIA  Hi.

FRANK  My piece? I'm sorry. I'm just-- You know? I'm-- flattered. 

You write these things and you think someone's gonna mention 

them, and a week goes by and the phone doesn't ring, and you 

start to think, I'm-- I'm a fraud. I'm-- I'm a failure or 

something and to hear that--

PATRICIA  You know what always facinated me about Julius and 

Ethel Rosenberg? Is how old they looked when they really just... 

our age! You know? Wow, I'm so happy to have finally met you. 

We will talk. Have you ever thought about doing a book?

FRANK  Uh, it's crossed my mind. Somethning relevant for today. 

Like the Luddite movement--

KATHLEEN  Frank.

FRANK (cont'd)Or the 19th Century England or something. We will 

talk! Call me!

KATHLEEN  C'mon, Frank.

JOE  Hey hun, have you ever had a caviar garnish?

EVENING - JOE AND PATRICIA'S BED

PATRICIA  You know, I had no idea that Frank Navasky was gonna 

be so down-to-earth. Y'know, you read his stuff, and you think 

he's gonna be so obscure and so abscuse. He's always talking 

about Heidegger, foucalt, and I have no idea what any of 

that's about, really.

PATRICIA tries to snuggle.

PATRICIA  Oooh, mmm.

JOE gets up.

PATRICIA  Oh...

JOE  Y'know, I'm not tire-- I'm not.

PATRICIA is snoring.

EVENING - JOE'S COMPUTER

JOE (V.O.)  Do you ever feel you've become the worst version of 

yourself? That a Pandora's Box full of secret, hateful parts, 

your arrogance, your spite, and your condesention has sprung 

open? Someone provokes you, and instead of smiling and moving 

on, you *zing* them. "Hello, it's Mr. Nasty." I'm sure you 

have no idea what I'm talking about.

MORNING - KATHLEEN'S COMPUTER

KATHLEEN (V.O.)  No, I know what you mean, and I'm completely 

jealous! What happens to me when I get provoked is I get 

tongue-tied and my mind goes...

KATHLEEN  Blank. And then--

KATHLEEN (V.O.)  Then I spend all night tossing and turning 

trying to figure out what I should've said. What should I have 

said, for example.. to a...

KATHLEEN

Bo-ttom-dweller. Who recently belittled my excistense? 

Nothing... Nothing, even now.

KATHLEEN (V.O.)  Even now.. 

KATHLEEN  Days later...

KATHLEEN (V.O.)  I can't figure it out.

EVENING - JOE'S COMPUTER

JOE (V.O)Wouldn't it be wonderful if I could pass all my zingers to 

you, and then I would never behave badly, and you could 

behand badly all the time, and we'd both be happy! But 

then, on the other hand, I must warn you that when you 

finally have the pleasure of saying the thing you mean to 

say the moment you mean to say it, remorse inevitably 

follows. Do you think we... should meet?

EVENING - KATHLEEN'S COMPUTER

KATHLEEN  Meet? Oh, my God...

KATHLEEN closes her computer.

EVENING - SUPERMARKET

CASHIER  72, 27. ($72.27)

KATHLEEN hands her credit card.

CASHIER  This is a cash-only line.

KATHLEEN  What?

CASHIER  Cash only.

KATHLEEN  Oh, oh, my God. Oh my God. Oh, I just have a credit. Is-- 

I'm sorry. Is that ok?

MAN  No, it's not ok. There's a sign!

KATHLEEN  I'm sorry. I'm very sorry. I-- I never do this. But I'm 

asking for you to make an exception just this-- this one 

case.

MAN  You have no cash? She has no cash.

WOMAN #1  No, she has no cash.

WOMAN #2  Oh, get in another line, lady.

KATHLEEN  I have a dollar. That's all I have. 1 dollar. Is 

there anything you can do--

JOE  Hello.

KATHLEEN  Hi...

JOE  Hi, you need some money?

KATHLEEN  No! I do not need any money, thank you very much.

CASHIER  Get in another line.

JOE  Hi, Rose. That is a great name. Rose... This is Kathleen. 

I'm Joe.

MAN  And I'm Henry!

JOE  Henry, how are you? Happy holidays! This is a credit card 

machine... Happy Thanksgiving... It's your turn to say 

Happy Thanksgiving back.

CASHIER  Happy Thanksgiving back.

JOE  Knock knock.

CASHIER  Who's there?

JOE  Orange.

CASHIER  Orange who?

JOE  Orange you going to give us a break and zipping this credit 

card through the credit card machine? C'mon. You can do it. 

Zip, zip. There you go. Rose. Ah, that is a great name. So, 

you're fine.

KATHLEEN  Fine...

JOE  Happy thanksgiving. Henry, happy thanksgiving.

KATHLEEN  I'm so sorry, really, I apologize. I apologize from 

the bottom of my heart.

MAN  So, sign alrready. I'd like to get home in time for the 

Thanksgiving parade.

CASHIER  You have my pen.

EVENING - EVENING PARTY

ANNABELLE sings "Tomorrow".

GILLIAN comes on to JOE.

NELSON  Wonderful! Wonderful!

ANNABELLE  Thank you!

EVENING - BIRDIE'S HOUSE.

EVERYONE is singing christmas carols.

EVENING - THE SHOP AROUND THE CORNER

KATHLEEN is decorating the window display.

CHILD walks by.

CHILD  Hi, Kathleen!

KATHLEEN (V.O)  "It's coming down Christmas, and they're 

cutting down trees." You know that Joni Mitchell song? "I wish 

I had a river that I could skate away on." Such a sad song, 

and not really about Christmas at all, but I was thinking about

it as I was decorating my Christmas tree. Unwrapping funky 

ornaments made of popsicle sticks and missing my mother so 

much I almost couldn't breathe.

EVENING - KATHLEEN'S COMPUTER

KATHLEEN (V.O.) cont'd  I always miss my mother at Christmas, 

but somehow it is worse this year since I need some advice 

from her. And I need her to make me some cocoa and tell me 

that whatever's going badly in my life will sort itself out.

DAY - JOE'S COMPUTER

JOE (V.O.)  What kind of advice do you need? Can I help?

DAY - KATHLEEN'S BED

KATHLEEN (V.O.)  Can you help? I wish you could help. I wish--

AOL INSTANT MESSAGE rings.

JOE (V.O.)  I had a gut feeling you would be online now.

DAY - JOE'S BED

JOE  Hi.

JOE (V.O.)  I can give you advice. I'm *great* at advice.

DAY - KATHLEEN'S BED

KATHLEEN  Uh-oh.

KATHLEEN (V.O.)  If you only you could help.

DAY - JOE'S BED

JOE  Ooh.

JOE (V.O.)  Is it about love?

JOE  Please say no.

DAY - KATHLEEN'S BED

KATHLEEN  No... How cute is that?

KATHLEEN (V.O.)  My business is in trouble.

DAY - JOE'S BED

JOE  Huh. Well...

JOE (V.O.)  I'm a brilliant businessman. It's what I do best. 

What's your business?

DAY - KATHLEEN'S BED

KATHLEEN  Uh-uh. No.

KATHLEEN (V.O.)  No specifics, remember?

DAY - JOE'S BED

JOE  Ok... Hmm... Well...

JOE (V.O.)  Minus specifics, it's hard to help. Except to say... 

"Go to the matresses."

DAY - KATHLEEN'S BED

KATHLEEN  "Except to say go to the matre-- What? What does that 

mean?

DAY - JOE'S BED

JOE (V.O.) It's from The Godfather. It means you have to go 

to war.

JOE  Mm-hmm.

DAY - KATHLEEN'S BED

KATHLEEN  What is it with men and The Godfather?! Hello?

DAY - JOE'S BED

JOE  Oh, c'mon, hello? Well...

JOE (huskey voice)  Well, what can I-- Michael come--

JOE (V.O.)  The Godfather is the I Ching. The Godfather is the 

sum of all wisdom. The Godfather is the answer to any question. 

What should I pack for my summer vacation. Leave the gun, 

take the connoli.What day of the week is it?

JOE (Godfather voice)  Maunday, Tuesday, Thursday, Wednesday!

JOE (V.O.)  And the answer to your question is "Go to the 

mattresses." You're at war. "It's not personal, it's business. 

It's not personal, it's business." Recite that to yourself 

every time you feel you're losing your nerve. I know you worry 

about being brave.

JOE  Don't.

JOE (V.O.) cont'd  This is your chance. Fight.

JOE  Fight.

JOE (V.O.)  Fight to the death.

JOE  Fight to the death.

DAY - KATHLEEN'S BED

KATHLEEN mutters to herself.

KATHLEEN  It's not personal, it's business. Just fight! Fight, 

fight, fight!

FRANK comes home.

KATHLEEN stashes away her computer and acts natural.

FRANK  Hey.

KATHLEEN  Hey. I've been thinking... Frank.

FRANK  What?

KATHLEEN I've decided to go to the matresses. Do you think it 

would be a gigantic conflict of interest if you convert something 

about the store?

FRANK  Yes.

KATHLEEN  Yes?

FRANK  No.

KATHLEEN  So, you'll do it?

FRANK  Yes...yes.

KATHLEEN  Do you know what it is-- to go to the mattresses?

FRANK  From The Godfather.

MORNING - THE SHOP AROUND THE CORNER

GEORGE  Good morning. Shop Around the Corner. George speaking, 

may I help you?

CHRISTINA  Kathleen, the Channel 2 truck just pulled up.

KATHLEEN  Oh, in a second.

CHRISTINA  Everyone's read the article.

BIRDIE  "We do not have to look at any usual places where good 

and evil face off, the place where Herodutus called..."

BIRDIE & FRANK  "The Happy Land of Absolutes."

BIRDIE  "We have the perfect example here on the west side."

BIRDIE & FRANK  "Where cold cash cow..."

BIRDE  "Fox Books threatens survival of a temple to one of the 

20th century's most profound truth. You are what you read."

FRANK  I believe that.

BIRDIE  "Save The Shop Around the Corner, and you will save your 

soul." Oh, Frank, that's... Charming.

FRANK  You think it's a little over the top?

GEORGE  That was the Villiage Voice. I told them to come over 

whenever.

KATHLEEN  Oh, *man*. Ok, all right. "Float like a butterfly, 

sting like a bee."

MORNING - FOX BOOKS

PROTESTORS  1, 2, 3, 4, we don't want your superstore. 5, 6, 

7, 8, go away and close the gate. 1, 2 , 3, 4...

JOE  "We don't want this superstore."

NELSON  Is that what they're saying?

JOE  Catchy, yeah. Well, who wrote that?

NELSON  It's annoying. Pissing me off, actually.

DAY - OUTSIDE OF SHOP AROUND THE CORNER

KATHLEEN  Do you want the west side to become one big gigantic 

strip mall?

FOLLOWERS  No!

KATHLEEN  Do you wanna get off the subway at 72nd and Broadway 

and not even know you're in New York City?

FOLLOWERS  No!

KATHLEEN  Can we save The Shop Around The Corner?

FOLLOWERS  Yes!

EVENING - ATHLETIC CLUB

REPORTER (on tv)  We're here in front of the The Shop Around 

the Corner, the famous west side children's bookstore now on 

the verge of having to close its doors, because the the big 

bad wolf, Fox Books, has opened only a few hundred feet away 

wooing customers with sharp discounts and designer coffee.

KATHLEEN (on tv)  Well-- Well, they-- they have to have discounts

and lattes because most of the people who work there have never 

read a book.

JOE  She's not as nice as she seems on television.

KEVIN  You met her?

JOE  Yeah, boy.. She's a pill.

KEVIN  She probably ain't as fine as she looks on TV, either.

JOE  Oh, no, no. She's beautiful, but... She's a pill.

KEVIN  You don't feel bad? About basically sending her ass back 

to the projects with food stamps... Broke, single, white lady?

JOE  It's not personal.

KEVIN  It's business.

JOE  Yeah. Hey! Here's a good-looking guy!

JOE (on tv)  I sell cheap books. I do, so sue me.

REPORTER (on tv)  And, that... and a nut shell is the Fox Books 

philosophy.

JOE  Hey!

KEVIN  That's what you said?!

JOE  Well, yeah, that's not *all* I said! I said-- Oh, I can't 

believe those bastards. I said we were great. I said you could 

sit and read for hours and no one would bother ya. I said we 

had a 150,000 titles. I showed them the New York City section. 

I said we were a Goddamn piazza, a place in the city where 

people could mingle and mix and be.

KEVIN  "Piazza"?

JOE  I was eloquent! Shit!

KEVIN  "Piazza".

JOE  Well, it's inevitable, I guess. People wanna turn her into 

the Joan of Arc.

KEVIN  And you into Atilla the Hun.

JOE  Well, not me, personally, but the company, yeah.

REPORTER (on tv)  ...and makes no apologies.

KATHLEEN (on tv)  I have met Joe Fox, and I have heard him compare

is store to the price club and the books in it to cans of olive 

oil.

JOE falls off the treadmill.

JOE  Dooh! Ooh! Ow!

EVENING - KATHLEEN'S APARTMENT

SYDNEY-ANN (INTERVIEWER)  The Bookstore, tell us about it.

FRANK  The Shop Around the Corner kind of has a Jeffersonian 

purity to it that the city needs in order to maintain 

historical integrity.

SYDNEY-ANN  "Jeffersonian purity."

KATHLEEN  That was nice. Thank you. Thank you, that was really 

good.

FRANK (off tv)  Are you taping this?

KATHLEN  Yeah, I'm taping this.

FRANK  Technologically speaking, the world's getting out of 

hand, Sydney-Ann. I mean, take the VCR. The whole idea behind 

the VCR is so you can tape what's on television when you leave 

the house.

SYDNEY-ANN  Right.

FRANK  Ofcourse the whole idea of leaving the house is so you 

can miss what's on television.

KATHLEEN  Yeah, I've heard you say that before.

FRANK (off tv)  She hasn't.

SYDNEY-ANN  Absolutely! Ha ha ha! Right!

FRANK (off tv)  She gets it. She gets it.

FRANK  The radio... There's a medium I can behind.

SYDNEY-ANN  Well...

KATHLEEN  Are you gonna start collecting radios now?

FRANK (off tv)  Sh! Sh! Sh! Sh!

SYDNEY-ANN  We're on television. You're good at it.

FRANK  No, no, no, no.

SYDNEY-ANN  Oh yes.

KATHLEEN  Frank.

FRANK (off tv)  What?

KATHLEEN  She's making a-- She's coming on to you!

FRANK (off tv)  No, no, no! This is-- They do this on television.

FRANK  The Shop Around The Corner, it's a true New York treasure.

SYDNEY-ANN  As are you.

FRANK (off tv)  Ha ha ha ha...

SYDNEY-ANN  Honestly, I'd-- I'd like to have you back.

KATHLEEN  Is she sweating?

FRANK (off tv)  No.

KATHLEEN  She's touching herself and she's sweating.

FRANK  Well, I-- Anytime.

FRANK (of tv)  Ok-- Ok, we can turn it off.

KATHLEEN  No, oh my God.

FRANK  'Cause I just wanna say that yours is the only show that 

I do watch. 

KATHLEEN  Oh my God.

FRANK (off tv)  No, no, no, no! I was being polite.

SYDNEY-ANN  Thank you, Frank Navasky.

FRANK  No-- No, thank you're. Thank-- Thank you're. Ha ha. Sorry.

SYDNEY-ANN  Thank you're--

KATHLEEN  "Thank you're"??

SYDNEY-ANN  "Thank you're", ladies and gentlemen. And next week

on Print Watch...

FRANK (off tv)  Ha ha... I slobbered all over her, didn't I? 

Ha ha ha...

KATHLEEN  Yeah...

FRANK  Well, I think there's-- There's, uh, something there.

EVENING - THE SHOP AROUND THE CORNER

KATHLEEN puts on the "closed" sign.

GEORGE  So, first, I gotta go get some eucalyptus candles because 

it makes my apartment smell mossy. Then I'm going to market 

and I can't decide whether to get sausage for the meat sauce 

or chopped meat.

BIRDIE  Spare us.

GEORGE  You know what? Clam sauce. Yeah, because this is a big 

date.

GEORGE leaves.

KATHLEEN  Ohh, don't tell me. Not the slightest difference?

BIRDIE shakes her head.

KATHLEEN  How can that be? All this publicity and not one bit 

of difference? Oh, Birdie, what am I gonna do? What would mom 

have done?

BIRDIE  Well, let's ask her.

BIRDIE takes out a locket with CECILIA's picture.

BIRDIE  Cecilia, what should we do?

KATHLEEN  Birdie--

BIRDIE  Sh! Sh! She has no idea, but she thinks the window display 

is lovely.

BIRDIE kisses KATHLEEN on the cheek.

BIRDIE  Good night, dearie.

KATHLEEN  Night.

EVENING - KATHLEEN'S COMPUTER

KATHLEEN (V.O.)  I need help. Do you still want to meet me?

EVENING - JOE'S OFFICE

JOE (V.O.)  I would love to meet you. Where? When?

EVENING - JOE AND KEVIN WALKING TOWARDS CAFE LALO

KEVIN  So, I suppose she's carrying a copy of a book with a flower 

in it? He he... Not really? Ugh.. She could be a real dog, man.

JOE  I'm only staying 10 minutes. I'm gonna say hello, I'm gonna 

have a cup of coffee, and then I'm gonna split. That's what I'm 

going to do. I hope she doesn't have one of those high, squeaky 

voices like the mice in Cinderella. I hate that-- Why am I even 

doing this? Why am I even compelled to meet her? Why?

KEVIN  Joe, relax. You're just taking it to the next level. I 

*always* do that. I always take a relationship to the next 

level. If that works out, I take it to the level after that. 

Until I finally reach that level where it becomes absolutely 

necessary for me to leave.

JOE  Huh. And I'm not gonna stay that long anyway. I already 

said that, didn't I?

KEVIN  Yes, you did.

JOE  D'oh!

EVENING - OUTSIDE CAFE LALO

JOE  Well, Cafe Lalo. This is it. 8 o'clock. Boy, we got here 

fast, didn't we?

KEVIN  Yep.

JOE  Kevin, this woman is the most adorable creature I have 

ever been in contact with, and if she turns out be even as good 

looking as a *mailbox*, I'd be crazy not to turn my life 

upside down to marry her.

KEVIN  She could be a real dog, but good luck!

KEVIN chuckles and tries to leave, but JOE stops him.

JOE  Could you go and look for me?

KEVIN  Me?

JOE  Yes, just go look through the window and check her out, 

please.

KEVIN  All right. You pathetic, man.

JOE  He he... I know.

KEVIN  All right, I'll see what I see.

JOE  You see her?

KEVIN  Nah... Oh.. wait-- yeah! I see a *very* beautiful girl.

Oh, she's fine. She's fine.

JOE  I knew it.

KEVIN  Whoo! She's gorgeous!

JOE  I knew she would be. I knew it.

KEVIN  But no book. Ha ha.. All right. Ok, wait. Wait-- wait a 

minute. Ok, there's a book with a flower, so that's gotta 

be her.

JOE  And what does she look like?!

KEVIN  Can't see her. Waiter's blocking.

JOE  Damn it!

KEVIN  Hold on. He's moving. He's moving.

JOE  Yeah?

KEVIN  Ah...

JOE  Can you see her? Can you see her?!

KEVIN  Yeah...

JOE  And?

KEVIN  She's *very* pretty.

JOE  She is! I knew she would be. She had to be! Ha ha!

KEVIN

You know what? She looks... I mean, she almost has the same 

coloring as... That Kathleen Kelly person.

JOE  Kathleen Kelly from the little bookstore?

KEVIN  Well, why not? You said you thought she was attractive.

JOE  Absolutely, yes. Why not? Who cares about Kathleen Kelly?

KEVIN  Well, if you don't like Kathleen Kelly, then I can tell you 

right now... You ain't gonna like this girl.

JOE  Why not?

KEVIN  Because it *is* Kathleen Kelly.

JOE checks her out himself.

KEVIN  So, what are you gonna do?

JOE  Nothing.

KEVIN  What do you mean "nothing"? You're just gonna let her wait 

there all night?

JOE  Yes, that's exactly what I'm going to do. Good night, 

Kevin, I'll see you in the morning.

EVENING - INSIDE CAFE LALO

MAN  You mind if I borrow this chair?

KATHLEEN  Yes! Yes, I mind. Sorry.

WAITER  Would you like another tea?

KATHLEEN  Yes, thank you. Oh, excuse me.

WAITER  Thanks.

JOE walks in.

JOE  Kathleen Kelly. Hello. This is a coincidence. Would you 

mind if I sit down?

KATHLEEN  Yes! Yes, I would, actually. I'm expecting someone, 

thanks.

JOE  Pride and Prejudice.

KATHLEEN  Do you mind?

JOE  I bet you read that book every year. I bet you just love 

that *Mr. Darcy* and your sentimental heart just beats wildly 

at the thought that he and uh-- well-- you know, 

whatever-her-name-is are truly, honestly going to end up 

together.

JOE sits down.

WAITER  Can I get you something?

KATHLEEN  No, no. He's not staying.

JOE  Mochacino, decaf, non-fat.

KATHLEEN  No, no. You are not staying.

JOE  I'll just stay here until your friend gets here. Gee... Is 

he late?

KATHLEEN  The heroine of Pride And Prejudice is Elizabeth 

Bennet. She is one of the greatest and most complex characters 

ever written, not that you would know.

JOE  As a matter of fact, I've read it.

KATHLEEN  Oh, well, good for you.

JOE  I think you'd discover a lot of things if you really kenw 

me.

KATHLEEN  If I really knew you, I know what I would find. 

Instead of a brain, a cash register. Instead of a heart, a 

bottom line.

KATHLEEN in amazment.

JOE  What?

KATHLEEN  I just had a breakthrough!

JOE  What is it?

KATHLEEN  I have you to thank for it. For the first time in my 

life, when confronted with a horrible, insensitive person, I knew 

exactly what I wanted to say, and I said it!

JOE  Well, I think you have a gift for it. That was a perfect 

blend of poetry and meanness.

KATHLEEN  Meanness? Let me tell you something about meanness--

JOE  Don't misunderstand. I'm just trying to pay you a 

compliment.

JOE picks up the flower.

KATHLEEN  Oh, oh. Why are you touching that? What are you doing?

JOE  What is this? Is this a red rose? No, no. Y'know, it's a 

Crimson Rose. Something you read in a book, no doubt.

KATHLEEN  It's funny to you, isn't it? Everything's a joke a to

you.

TWO OLD LADIES come in.

KATHLEEN  Please leave. Please, please leave. I beg you.

JOE moves to the table behind KATHLEEN.

KATHLEEN pretends to be wiping herself with a handkercheif 

and looking into the mirror.

JOE looks back and catches her.

KATHLEEN  Ahh!

JOE  You know what that hanky reminds me of?

KATHLEEN  Hmm.

JOE  First day I met you.

KATHLEEN  First day you lied to me.

JOE  I didn't lie to you.

KATHLEEN  You did too.

JOE  No, I didn't.

KATHLEEN  Yes, you did.

JOE  I did not.

KATHLEEN  You did too.

JOE  I did not!

KATHLEE  Yeah, you did too. Oh, I thought that Fox thing was so 

charming, "F-O-X"!

JOE  Well, I didn't lie about it.

KATHLEEN  "Joe. Just call me Joe"?

JOE  Sure.

KATHLEEN  As if you were one of those stupid 22 year-old girls 

with no last names. "Hi, I'm Kimberly." "Hi, I'm Janice." Don't 

they know you're supposed to have a last name? It's like 

they're an entire generation of cocktail waitresses.

JOE moves back.

JOE  Look... I am *not* a 22 year-old cocktail waitress.

KATHLEEN  That is not what I meant.

JOE  And when I said the thing about the price club and the 

cans of olive oil, that's not what *I* meant.

KATHLEEN  Oh, you poor sad multimillionaire. I feel so sorry 

for you.MAN WITH CAPE walks in.

JOE  I'll take a wild guess that that's not him either. So, who 

is he, I wonder? Certainly not, I gather, the world's greatest 

living expert of Julius and Ethel Rosenberg? But somebody else 

entirely different. And will you be mean to him, too?

KATHLEEN  No, I will not. Because the man who is coming here 

tonight is completely unlike you. The man who is coming here 

tonight is kind and funny. He's got the most wonderful sense 

of humor--

JOE  But... *He's* not here.

KATHLEEN  Well, if he's not here, he has a reason. Because 

there is not one cruel or careless bone in his body. But I 

wouldn't expect someone lik you to understand anybody like 

that. You with your theme-park, multilevel, hemmogenize-

the-world, mochaccinoland. You've deluded yourself into 

thinking you're some sort of benefactor bringing books to the 

masses. But no one will ever remember you, Joe Fox. And maybe 

no one will remember me either, but plenty of people will 

always remember my mother. And they think she was fine, and 

they think her store was something special. *You* are nothing 

but a suit.

JOE  That's my cue. Uh, good night.

JOE takes his coat and leaves.

EVENING - KATHLEEN'S APARTMENT

KATHLEEN checks her e-mail. No new mail.

EVENING - JOE'S APARTMENT

JOE is getting ready for bed.

PATRICIA  So then the agent asked for $600,000 and I said to 

her, "If you think I'm even going to talk to you about an 

advance, an author whose last book is being used as trivets 

all over the world, you are completely crazy."

MORNING - FOX BOOKS

JOE  She was insulting and provocative and the only thing 

pleasant about her was the way that her hair fell across 

her forehead.

KEVIN  Yeah, but underneath that disagreeable exterior, she 

might turn out to be a-- a--

JOE  A real bitch. Let's not talk about it. I'm going back to 

the office, and I'm sure you've got some work you have to do.

KEVIN  Not really. This place is a well-oiled machine, my friend.

MORNING - THE SHOP AROUND THE CORNER

CHRISTINA  So, what happened?

KATHLEEN  He never came.

CHRISTINA  He stood you up.

KATHLEEN  Well, I wouldn't exactly characterize it in that way. 

I think something happened. Something terrible and unexpected 

happened that made it impossible for him to-- What if he showed 

up, took one look at me, and left?

CHRISTINA  Not possible.

KATHLEEN  Maybe there was a subway accident.

CHRISTINA  Absolutely!

KATHLEEN  A train got stuck underground with him inside.

CHRISTINA  And no phone.

KATHLEEN  And you know how those express trains create suction?

GEORGE walks in.

GEORGE  Good morning!

CHRISTINA  He got sucked in!

KATHLEEN  The third rail!

CHRISTINA  He's toast!

GEORGE  What happened?

KATHLEEN  He was unable to make it.

GEORGE  He stood you up?

KATHLEEN  Maybe... He had a car accident. Those cab drivers are 

maniacs.

CHRISTINA  Yeah, they hit something, and you slam into that 

plastic partition.

KATHLEEN  Or his elbows were in splints, so he couldn't really 

dial.

CHRISTINA  Or he could be unconsience.

KATHLEEN  A coma...

CHRISTINA  Stuck in intensive care.

KATHLEEN  With that heart monitor beeping...

CHRISTINA & KATHLEEN  And no phone.

GEORGE waves for their attention.

GEORGE  There--

KATHLEEN  What?

Newspaper reads COPS NAB ROOFTOP KILLER.

KATHLEEN  What are you saying?

GEORGE  It could be. He was arrested two blocks from the cafe.

CHRISTINA  Is there a picture? So that explains it.

GEORGE  He was in jail.

CHRISTINA  And there *was* a phone.

GEORGE  But he only got one call, so he called his lawyer.

CHRISTINA  You are *so* lucky.

GEORGE  You could be *dead*.

KATHLEEN  He couldn't possibly be the rooftop killer!

CHRISTINA  Remember when you thought Frank might be the unabomber?

KATHLEEN  Well..... That was different.

CHRISTINA  How long did you sit there all alone?

KATHLEEN  Not long. Joe Fox came in.

CHRISTINA  Joe Fox?!

KATHLEEN  I don't wanna talk about it. Let's jsut get to work. 

There's gotta be something to do. There's always something to do.

GEORGE  Hey... Look at this.

CHRISTINA  He looks kinda cute.

BIRDIE comes into the store.

BIRDIE  So?

GEORGE  He was, uh, unavoidably detained.

BIRDIE  He stood you up?

KATHLEEN (V.O.)  I've been thinking about you. Last night I 

went to meet you, but you weren't there. I wish I knew why. 

I felt so foolish.

EVENING - KATHLEEN'S COMPUTER

KATHLEEN (V.O.)  And as I waited, someone else showed up-- a 

man who has made my professional life a misery-- and an amazing 

thing happened. I was able to, for the first time in my life, 

to say the exact thing I wanted to say, the exact moment I 

wanted to say it. And ofcourse, afterwards, I felt terrible. 

Just as you said I would. I was cruel, and I'm never cruel.

EVENING - JOE'S APARTMENT

KATHLEEN (V.O.) cont'd  And even though I can hardy believe 

what I said mattered this man-- to him, I am just a bug to be 

crushed-- but what if it did? No matter what he's done to me, 

there is no excuse for my behavior. Anyway, I so wanted to 

talk to you. I hope you have a good reason for not being there 

last night. You don't seem like the kind of person who would do 

something like that. The odd thing about this form of 

communication is that you're more likely to talk about nothing

than something. But I just wanted to say that all this nothing 

has meant more to me than so many... somethings. So, thanks.

JOE (V.O.)  I'm in... Vancouver.

JOE deletes it.

JOE (V.O.)  I was stuck in a meeting which I couldn't get out 

of, the electricity went out in the building. And... we were 

trapped on the... 38th floor. And... the telephone system 

blew, too. He he... Amazingly enough.

JOE deletes it.

JOE (V.O.)  Dear friend, I cannot tell you what happened last 

night. But I beg you from the bottom of my heart to forgive me 

for not being there.... For what happened. I feel terrible that 

you found yourself in a situation that caused you additional 

pain. But I'm absolutely sure that whatever you said last night

was provoked... even deserved. And everyone says things they 

regret when they're worried or stressed. You were expecting to 

meet someone you trusted... and met the enemy instead. The 

fault is mine. Some day, I'll explain everything. Meanwhile, 

I'm still here. Talk to me.

DAY - KATHLEEN AND CHRISTINA WALKING TO BIRIDIE'S HOUSE

CHRISTINA  Did he say anything about wanting to meet you again?

KATHLEEN  No, not really. Listen, it doesn't matter. We'll 

just be like George Bernard Shaw and Mrs. Patrick Campbell. 

We'll write letters our whole lives.

DAY - BIRDIE'S HOUSE

BIRDIE  Thank you for the scones. They look lovely!

CHRISTINA  Birdie, where was this one taken?

BIRDIE  Seville.

KATHLEEN  When you fell madly in love?

BIRDIE  Yes. So, Dearie, what have you decided to do?

KATHLEEN  Close. We're going to close.

CHRISTINA  Close...

BIRDIE  Closing the store is the brave thing to do.

KATHLEEN  Oh... You are such a liar, but thank you.

BIRDIE  You are daring to imagine that you could have a 

different life. Oh, I know it doesn't feel like that. You feel 

like a big fat failure now, but you're not. You are marching 

into the unknown, armed with... nothing. Have a sandwich.

KATHLEEN  Well, not *nothing*. I have a little money saved.

BIRDIE  If you need more, ask me. I'm very rich. I bought 

Intel at 6. Now I suppose you want me to tell who it was I 

fell madly in love with... But I'm not going to tell.

CHRISTINA  Who was it, Birdie? Come on, tell-- Oh, that is so 

mean... But so romantic.

BIRDIE  It wasn't meant to be.

KATHLEEN  Why not?

BIRDIE  He ran Spain.

CHRISINA  *Spain*??

BIRDIE  The country, he ran it. It was his job. And then he 

died. Which is just as well... Milk or lemon?

EVENING - MOVIE THEATER

FRANK  She fell in love with Generalissimo Franco.

KATHLEEN  Oh, don't say that, really. We don't know that for sure.

FRANK  Well, who else could it have been? It was probably around 

1960.

KATHLEEN  Do you want some popcorn?

FRANK  I can' believe this! I mean, it wasn't like he was 

something normal, like a socialist, or an anarchist or 

something--

KATHLEEN  It happened in Spain. People do really stupid things 

in foreign countries.

FRANK  Absolutely. They buy leather jackets for *much* more 

than they're worth, but they don't fall in love with fascist 

dictators.

KATHLEEN & FRANK sit down in the theatre.

KATHLEEN  Birdie is a very special person to me. She is 

practically my sorrogate mother.

FRANK  Well, she's out of her mind.

KATHLEEN  She is not!

FRANK  I can never be with anybody who doesn't take politics 

as seriously as I do.

WOMAN  Do you mind?

FRANK  A hotdog is singing. You need quiet when the hotdog is 

singing?!

KATHLEEN  I have something to tell you Frank. I didn't vote.

FRANK  What?

KATHLEEN  In the last mayoral ellection, when Rudy Guilliani 

was running against Ruth Messenger, I went to get a manicure 

and I forgot to vote.

FRANK  Since when did you get manicures?

KATHLEEN  Oh, I suppose you can never be with a woman who gets 

manicures.

FRANK  Never mind! It's ok. I forgive you.

KATHLEEN  *You* forgive *me*?!

KATHLEEN puts on coat and leaves the theatre.

KATHLEEN  Excuse me. Sorry. Excuse me.

EVENING - WALKING FROM THE THEATRE

FRANK  Look, this has been a big week. You're closing the store.

KATHLEEN

No, it's not, Frank. Really, it's not. It's just that I--

FRANK  I know. I know. I know. I know. That was terrible of me.

KATHLEEN  What? What was terrible of you?

FRANK  Jumping all over you when I'm the one... God, I don't 

even know how to say this.

KATHLEEN  What is it? What?

EVENING - RESTAURANT

FRANK  You're a wonderful person, Kathleen.

KATHLEEN  So are you.

FRANK  And I am so honored that you would want to be with me 

because you would never be with anyone who wasn't truly worthy.

KATHLEEN  I feel exactly the same way.

FRANK  Oh, God. Don't-- Don't-- Don't say that. That makes it 

worse.

KATHLEEN  What...? You don't love me.

FRANK shakes his head.

KATHLEEN laughs.

KATHLEEN  Me either!

FRANK  You don't love me?

KATHLEEN  No.

FRANK  But we are so right for each other.

KATHLEEN  I know! I know! Oh! Well, is there-- Is there someone

else, or...? Oh! That woman on television-- Sydney-Ann.

FRANK  Uh, well, nothing has happened or anything.

KATHLEEN  Oh, Frank, is she a republican?

FRANK  I-- can't help myself.

KATHLEEN bursts into laughs.

FRANK  What about you? Is-- Is there someone else?

KATHLEEN  No. No, but... But there's the *dream* of someone else.

DAY - CLOSING DAY OF THE SHOP AROUND THE CORNER

WOMAN #1  Honey, grab a copy of The Trumpet Of the Swan. This is a 

tragedy.

KATHLEEN  Oh, well...

MAN #1  Are these chairs for sale?

GEORGE  Anything not nailed down.

CHRISTINA  $10, it's yours.

WOMAN #2  So, what are you going to do now?

KATHLEEN  I don't know. Take some time off. You know, I'm 

almost looking forward to it.

WOMAN #2  Well, good luck to you.

WOMAN #3  You know, I remember coming here every Saturday when

I was a little girl, and I remember when your mother gave Anne 

Of Green Gables. "Read it with a box of Kleenex," she said. 

That's what she told me.

KATHLEEN reaches down for a box of Kleenex.

WOMAN #4  Can someone help me here?

WOMAN #5  She's looking down on you right now.

KATHLEEN  I'm sure she is.

MAN #2  Why don't we bomb Fox Books?

EVENING - KATHLEEN GOES INTO FOX BOOKS

KATHLEEN sits down on a chair in the children's section and 

sighs.

JOE sees her on the other side of the room.

WOMAN  Do you have the Shoe books?

SALESMAN  Shoe books... Who's the author?

WOMAN  I don't know. My friend told me my daughter has to read 

the Shoe books, so here I am.

KATHLEEN is nearly in tears.

KATHLEEN  Noel Streatfeild. Noel Streatfeild wrote and Ballet 

Shoes, and Skating Shoes, and Theater Shoes, and Dancing Shoes, 

and... I'd start with Ballet Shoes first, it's my favorite. 

Although Skating Shoes is completely wonderful, but it's out 

of print.

SALESMAN  Streatfield. How do you spell that?

JOE has a "Oh my God" look on his face.

KATHLEEN  S-T-R-E-A-T-F-E-I-L-D.

WOMAN  Thank you.

EVENING - FROM THE CAB TO THE ELEVATOR

PATRICIA  Kathleen Kelly, I swear, it was like her name was in

the air, Joe.

JOE  Just like that?

PATRICIA  Everyone was talking about her today. Kathleen Kelly

and her situation. And I was thinking that she would make a 

great children's book editor.

JOE  What makes you think that?

PATRICIA  Well, she knows everything. She has flawless taste-- 

And she's famous for it. The salesmen swear by her. If she 

likes the book, it sells. Period.

JOE  So, you're gonna offer what? Your'e gonna offer her a job?

PATRICIA  Well, what else has she got to do?

JOE  Now that she's destitute.

PATRICIA  Thanks to you.

JOE  I don't see her working for you.

PATRICIA  Why not?

JOE  'Cause she lacks the killer instinct. She's never fired 

anyone. Look at the little shop of hers. Those people have 

been there forever, 'til recently, when they all lost their 

jobs.

PATRICIA  Thanks to you. Hold the elevator!

PATRICIA runs to the elevator, but JOE walks.

CHARLIE  Ms. Eden. Mr. Fox.

JOE  Hello, Charlie.

PATRICIA  Y'know, I love how you've totally forgotten you had 

any role in her current situation. It's so obtuse. It's so 

insensitive. Reminds me of someone. Who? Who does it remind 

me of? Me!

PATRICIA laughs.

The ELEVATOR jolts and stops.

JOE  What is going on?

CHARLIE  Could be stuck.

PATRICIA groans.

VERONICA gasps.

CHARLIE presses all the buttons in the elevator.

JOE  Charlie, what are you doing?

CHARLIE  I hope this thing doesn't plummet to the basement.

VERONICA  Can it do that?

JOE  No! It cannot plummet to the basement.

JOE dials for emergency.

JOE  Hi, this is Joe Fox. Who's this? Juan? Juan, we are stuck 

in the elevator between the 6th and 7th floors, and there's 

4 of us.

PATRICIA grabs the phone.

PATRICIA  Yes, and if you don't get your *ass* up here in two 

shakes, and get us the hell out of here--

JOE takes it back.

JOE  Juan? Yeah, listen, call the Super and then 911. 9-1-1. 

The fire department. That's right. Yeah. Thank you very much.

CHARLIE  Everyone should jump in the air.

PATRICIA  What?

CHARLIE  We jumps, and the elevator thinks there's no one here, 

and it opens.

JOE  1... 2... 3... Jump!

EVERYONE jumps, but nothing happens.

VERONICA  If I ever get out of here, I'm gonna start speaking 

to my mama. I wonder what she's doing right this very minute.

CHARLIE  If I ever get out here, I'm marrying Oreet. I love her.

I should marry her. I don't know what's been stopping me.

PATRICIA  If I ever get out of here, I'm getting my eyes laser.

JOE gives a "Hm..." look.

JOE  If I ever get out of here--

PATRICIA  Where are my tic-tacs?! Ahhh! What?

EVENING - MOVING TO THE BOAT

JOE (V.O.)  I came home tonight and got into the elevator to 

go to my apartment. An hour late, I got out of the elevator and 

Brinkley and I moved out. Suddenly, everything had become clear.

It's a long story. Full of the personal details we avoid so 

carefully. Let me just say, there was a man sitting in the 

elevator with me who knew exactly what he wanted, and I found 

myself wishing I was as lucky as he.

MORNING - KATHLEEN'S APARTMENT

KATHLEEN (V.O.)  People are always telling you that change is 

a good thing. But all they're really saying is something you 

didn't want to happen at all has happened. My store is closing 

this week. I own a store. Did I ever tell you that? And in a 

week it will become something very depressing... Like a Baby Gap.

EVENING - LOCKING UP THE SHOP AROUND THE CORNER

KATHLEEN (V.O.)  Soon, it will just a be memory. In fact, 

someone, some foolish person, will probably think it's a tribute

to the city. The way it keeps changing on you, or the way you 

can never count it, or something. I know, because that's the 

sort of thing I'm always saying. But the truth is... I'm 

hearbroken. I feel as if a part of me has died, and my mother 

has died all over again. And no one can ever make it right.

KATHLEEN looks at the store one last time and turns out the 

lights.

KATHLEEN sees an image of her and her mother twirling in 

the store.

KATHLEEN lowers the gates and a sign says, "After 42 years, 

we are closing our doors. We have loved being a part of 

your lives."

DAY - DAD AT THE DOCK

JOE walking his dog around the dock and sees NELSON 

unloading his car.

JOE  What happened?

NELSON shrugs his shoulders.

JOE  Oh.

NELSON  Yeah. How are you?

JOE  Well, you know Dad, you did pretty well. At least you 

didn't marry her.

NELSON  Welcome aboard.

JOE  Ha ha! It lasted a while. Huh?

NELSON  Yeah.

EVENING - IN THE BOAT

JOE making a martini.

NELSON  You know... I stayed on this boat after... Let's see... 

Your mother... Laurette, the ballet dancer...

JOE  My nanny.



NELSON  She was the nanny?!

JOE  Yeah.

NELSON  Oh, I forgot that. How ironic... And then there's the 

ice skater...

JOE  Also my nanny.

NELSON  Really?

JOE  Yeah.

NELSON  Well, that's-- that's amazingly ironic. And then there 

was Sybil, the uh... That's an "A" word.

JOE  Astrologer.

NELSON  Exactly! Yeah!

JOE  Who's moon turned out to be in someone else's house, as I 

recall.

NELSON  Just like Gillian.

JOE  Gillian ran off with someone?

NELSON  The nanny.

JOE  Nanny Maureen?

NELSON  Yes.

JOE laughs.

JOE  Well, Gillian ran off with Nanny Maureen.

NELSON  You got it.

JOE  It's incredibly ironic.

NELSON  That's true.

JOE  No other word for it.

NELSON  Well, who's better than us?

JOE  Father and son, together at last.

NELSON  Who did you say you broke up with?

JOE  Patricia. You met her.

NELSON  Would *I* like her? Just kidding, son. Now, is this 

beautiful or what? Course, I'll be living out of a suitcase 

for at least 3 weeks, and then there's the inevitible legal 

hassle, more of your inheritance down the drain--

JOE  Don't you worry about it.

NELSON  I won't. I just have to meet someone new, that's all. 

That's the easy part.

JOE  Oh, right. Yeah. A snap to find the one single person in 

the world who fills your heart with joy.

NELSON  Well, don't be ridiculous. Have I *ever* been with anyone 

who fit that description? Have *you*?

DAY - JOE GOES TO SEE KATHLEEN

JOE walking towards KATHLEEN's apartment with a bouqet of 

daisies. JOE rings the bell.

KATHLEEN answers in the intercom.

KATHLEEN  Who is it?

JOE  It's Joe Fox.

KATHLEEN  What are you doing here?

JOE  Uh... May I please come up?

KATHLEEN  No, I don't-- No, I don't really think that *that* 

is a good idea. Because... I have a... I have a terrible c-- 

cold... Ah-choo! Can you hear that?

JOE  Yeah...

KATHLEEN  Listen, I'm sniffling, and I'm not really awake. And

I'm taking echinechea and vitamin C. I'm sleeping practically 

24 hours.

SOMEONE is opening up the front door, and JOE follows in.

KATHLEEN (cont'd)  And I have a *temperature*, and um... Um...

I think I'm contagious, I would-- I would really appreciate it

if you would just go away. 

JOE knocks on door.  

KATHLEEN gasps and looks through the peep hole.

JOE  Kathleen?

KATHLEEN  Oh! Uh... Uh... Uh... Just a second!

KATHLEEN frantically runs around cleaning up.

KATHLEEN  Yes... Uh... Just a second. Oh, man...

KATHLEEN opens up the door and tries to act natural. 

JOE  Hello.

KATHLEEN  Hello. What are you doing here?

JOE  I heard you were sick, and... I was worried. And I wanted 

to make s--

KATHLEEN  What?

JOE  Is there somebody here?

KATHLEEN  No... Oh... It's the home shopping network.

JOE  Oh, you buy any of those little porcelain dolls?

KATHLEEN  I was thinking about it. Hey... You put me out of 

business.

JOE  Uh, yes, I did.

KATHLEEN  Did you come to gloat?

JOE  No.

KATHLEEN  Offer me a job?

JOE  I would never--

KATHLEEN  Because I have plans. I have plenty of offers. You 

know, I got offered a job by--

JOE  By my former...?

KATHLEEN  Yeah, actually, by... Oh your former?

JOE  We broke up.

KATHLEEN  Oh, well, that's too bad. You were so perfect for 

each other. Oh... I don't mean to say things like that. No 

matter what you've done to me, there's no excuse for my 

saying anything like that. But every time I see you--

JOE  Things like that just fly out of your mouth.

KATHLEEN  Yes!

JOE  I brought you flowers.

KATHLEEN  Oh.... Thank you.

KATHLEEN motions for JOE to leave.

JOE  Why don't I just put these in some, uh, water? Hey, you're 

sick. You should sit down.

KATHLEEN  Ok.

JOE  Ok, I need a vase. A vase. Vase.

KATHLEEN  Above the refridgerator.

JOE  Oh, there it is, obsviously. Hey, George says hello, by the 

way.

KATHLEEN  Oh.

JOE  He's the one who told me you were sick.

KATHLEEN  How is George?

JOE  Great. He's really great. He's revolutionizing the place. 

You can't work in his department unless you have a Ph.D. in 

Children's Literature.

KATHLEEN  I love daisies.

JOE  You told me.

KATHLEEN  They're so friendly. Don't you think that daisies 

are the friendliest flowers?

JOE  I do.

KATHLEEN  When did you break up?

JOE  A couple of weeks ago.

KATHLEEN  Everyone is breaking up. You, me, and this other 

person I know broke up with someone in an elevator, or just 

after it, or just inside it. It got stuck? When I saw you at the 

coffee place, I was waiting for him and I was...

JOE  Charming.

KATHLEEN  I was not charming!

JOE  Yeah? Well, you looked it. Tea?

KATHLEEN  Yes. I was-- I was upset and horrible.

JOE  Honey?

KATHLEEN  Yes.

JOE  I was the horrible one.

KATHLEEN  Well, that's true, but *I* have no excuse.

JOE  Oh, Oh. I see what you're saying. That's interesting. 

Whereas I am a horrible person, therefore, I have no choice 

but to be horrible. That's what you're saying. But that's 

all right. That's all right. I put you out of business, so 

you're entitled to hate me.

KATHLEEN  I don't hate you.

JOE  But you'll never forgive me. Just like Elizabeth.

KATHLEEN  Who?

JOE  Elizabeth Bennet in Pride and Prejudice. She was too proud.

KATHLEEN  I thought you hated Pride and Prejudice.

JOE  Or was she prejudiced and Mr. Darcy was too proud? I for-- 

Oh, I can't remember.... It wasn't personal.

KATHLEEN  What is that supposed to mean? I am so sick of that. 

All that means is that it wasn't personal to you, but it was 

personal to me. It's personal to a lot of people. I mean, what's 

so wrong with being personal, anyway?

JOE  Uh, nothing.

KATHLEEN  Because whatever else anything is, it oughta begin by 

being personal. My head is starting to get fuzzy... Uh, why 

did you stop by again? I forget.

JOE  I wanted to be your friend.

KATHLEEN  Oh...

JOE  I knew it wasn't possible. What can I say? Sometimes a 

guy just wants the impossible.

KATHLEEN climbs into bed.

JOE  Can I ask you a question? What happened with that guy at 

the cafe?

KATHLEEN  Nothing.

JOE  But you're crazy about him?

KATHLEEN  Yes, I am.

JOE  Well, why don't you run off with him? What are you 

waiting for?

KATHLEEN  I don't actually know him.

JOE  Really?

KATHLEEN  I-- I only know him through the, uh... You're not 

gonna believe this.

JOE  Oh, let me guess. Through the internet?

KATHLEEN  Yes.

JOE  "You've Got Mail".

KATHLEEN  Yes!

JOE  Those are very powerful words.

KATHLEEN  Yes.

JOE  Well... Well, I'm happy for him.

KATHLEEN  Huh?

JOE  Although... Can I just make a-- a little suggestion?

KATHLEEN  What?

JOE  I think... You should meet him. No, no, no, no, no. Wait,

I take that back. Why would you wanna meet someone you're 

crazy about?

KATHLEEN  Hey, I hardly think I need to take advice from a 

person who--

JOE covers up KATHLEEN's mouth.

JOE  Now, I can see that I bring out the worst in you, but let 

me just help you by not something you're gonna torture 

yourself for years to come. I hope you feel better soon. 

It'd be a shame to miss New York in the spring.

KATHLEEN  Thank you for the daisies.

JOE  Well... *You* take care. Good-bye.

KATHLEEN  Good-bye.

JOE walks out.

MORNING - KATHLEEN'S COMPUTER

KATHLEEN (V.O.)  I've been thinking about this. And I think 

we should meet.

EVENING - JOE'S COMPUTER

JOE (V.O.)  We *should* meet. And we *will* meet. But I'm in 

the middle of a project that needs... Tweaking.

DAY - STARBUCKS

JOE sees KATHLEEN in Starbucks drinking coffee and reading, 

so he goes in.

JOE  Some teaking? A project that needed "tweaking"?

KATHLEEN  That's what he said.

JOE  T-W-E-A-K

JOE & KATHLEEN  I-N-G.

KATHLEEN  That's what he said.

JOE  Tweaking. All right, sounds to me like he's married. 

Married, 3 kids.

KATHLEEN  Married? That is a terrible thing to say. He could 

not possibly be married.

JOE  How do you know? Have you asked him? Have you asked, "Are 

you married?" Have you written to him?

KATHLEEN  No, I'm not gonna ask-- No.

JOE gives her a "what?!" look.

EVENING - KATHLEEN'S COMPUTER.

KATHLEEN (V.O.)I know this is probably a little too late to be

asking, but.. Are you married?

EVENING - JOE'S COMPUTER

JOE (V.O.)Am I married? What kind of question is that? How 

can you ask me that? Don't you know me at all? Oh, wait, I get 

it. Your friends are telling you that the reason we haven't met 

is because I'm married. Am I right?

DAY - EATING LUNCH/ MARKET/ BENCH

JOE  So he didn't answer the question.

KATHLEEN  Yes he did!

JOE  No, he didn't.

KATHLEEN  He did ex-- He nailed me. He knew exactly what I 

was after, which is just, by the way, exaclty like him.

JOE  He did not answer the question, did he?

KATHLEEN  No.

JOE  Maybe he's fat. He's fat. He's a fatty.

KATHLEEN  I don't care about that.

JOE  You don't care that he's so fat, he's one of these people 

who has to be removed from their house by a crane? You 

don't care?

KATHLEEN  That is very unlikely. That is ridiculous.

JOE  So what's his handle?

KATHLEEN  Uh...

JOE  I'm not gonna write him. Is that what you're worried 

about? You think I'm gonna e-mail him?

KATHLEEN  All right. NY152.

JOE  NY152. 152. He's 152 years old. He's has 152 moles removed, 

so now he has 152 pock marks on his face.

KATHLEEN  The number of people who thinks he looks Clark Gable.

JOE  152 people who thinks he looks like a clark *bar*.

KATHLEEN  Why did I even tell you this?

JOE  152 stitches from his nose job. The number of his souvenir 

shot glasses that he's collected through his travels.

KATHLEEN  No... The number... The number... His address. No, 

no. He would never do anything that prosaic. Well, the only 

thing I really care about, besides the married thing, and the 

jail thing, is the, uh, the boat thing.

JOE  What boat thing?

KATHLEEN  I can never be with someone who had a boat.

JOE  I have a boat.

KATHLEEN  Oh.

JOE  Which clinches it. We'll never be together. How many?

KATHLEEN  uh, 3.

JOE  Allow me.

KATHLEEN  Oh, thank you.

JOE  I could never be with someone who likes Joni Mitchell. 

"It's clouds' illusions I recall. I really don't know 

clouds at all." What does that mean? Is she a pilot? Is she 

taking flying lessons? It must be a metaphor for something, 

but I don't know what it is. So how's your book coming?

KATHLEEN  Well, there's this children's book editor I know 

from the store, and she's excited to read it when I'm finished.

JOE  Yeah?

KATHLEEN  Who would think that I would write? I mean, if I 

hadn't had all this time...

JOE  What?

KATHLEEN  The truth is he was the one who started me thinking 

about writing.

JOE  Mr. 152 felony indictments.

KATHLEEN  Mr. 152 insights into my soul.

JOE  Oh! Yeah! Well, no competing with that.

KATHLEEN  Well, I keep on bumping into you.

JOE  Yeah.

KATHLEEN  Hope your mango's ripe.

JOE  I think it is. Hey, you wanna bump into me on, say, 

Saturday around lunch time? Over there?

KATHLEEN  Mm-hmm.

JOE  Good.

EVENING - JOE'S COMPUTER

JOE (V.O.)How about meeting Saturday, 4 o'clock? There's a 

place in Riverside Park on the 91st street where the path curves

and there's a garden. Brinkley and I will be waiting.

JOE  Ok, ready? Let's do it. Ready? And.... doop. There it goes!

DAY - LUNCH/ WALKING BACK TO KATHLEEN'S

JOE  Today?

KATHLEEN  Yeah.

JOE  Wow.

KATHLEEN  I know. In Riverside Park.

JOE  Hmm. Well, that would mean he's a westsider.

KATHLEEN  Isn't that amazing? I could've seen him and not know

him.

JOE  You could've seen him everyday and not know him. He could 

anybody.

KATHLEEN  He could be anyone.

JOE (cont'd)  He could be that guy right there. And those flowers

are for you. Hey, could be the zipper man.

KATHLEEN  Who's that?

JOE  The zipper man.

KATHLEEN  Who is that?

JOE  He's a guy-- He repairs zippers on Amsterdam Avenue.

KATHLEEN  Will you cut it out?

JOE  You'd never have to buy new luggage.

KATHLEEN  Cut it out.

JOE  I mean, the timing here is everything. He's waiting until 

you've primed, see? Until that you are absolutely convinced 

that there is no other man you can possibly love.

KATHLEEN  Yes.

JOE  You know, sometimes I wonder.

KATHLEN  What?

JOE  Well, if I hadn't been Fox Books, and you hadn't been The 

Shop Around the Corner, and you and I had just... met...

KATHLEEN  I know.

JOE  Yeah.

KATHLEEN  Yeah.

JOE  I would've asked for your number. And I wouldn't have been 

able to wiat 24 hours before calling you up and saying hey, 

how 'bout some, you know, drinks or dinner or a movie.. for 

as long as we both shall live.

KATHLEEN  Joe...

JOE  And you and I would've never been at war... And the only 

thing we'd fight about is which video we should rent on a 

Saturday night.

KATHLEEN  Well, who fights about that?

JOE  Well, some people. Not us.

KATHLEEN  We would never.

JOE  If only.

KATHLEEN  Oh, I got to go.

JOE  Wait, let me ask you something. How can you forgive this 

guy for standing you up and not forgive me for this tiny 

little thing of... putting you out of business? Oh, how I 

wish you would.

KATHLEEN  I really got to go.

JOE  Yeah, well... You don't wanna be late.

DAY - RIVERSIDE PARK (THEY FINALLY MEET!)

KATHLEEN walks out of her apartment wearing a dress and goes 

to Riverside Park.

JOE  Brinkley! Brinkley!

KATHLEEN in disbelief and starts to cry.

JOE takes out handkercheif.

JOE  Don't cry... Shopgirl. Don't cry.

KAHTLEEN  I wanted it to be you. I wanted it to be you so badly.

OE & KATHLEEN kiss. (全文完)